This is all too much.

You'll have to excuse my ramblings - I need to clear my head.

Tonight was a Sean night. They come once or twice a week.

Never on a Thursday. Rarely.

Mum's been ill for some time. Various symptoms. Various possibilities.

Pain
Bleeding
Fainting
Collapsing
Tiredness
Low appetite
Weight gain

Stress.

The first solution - op to remove the 2 large Kidney Stones that have grown very quickly.

Second Test for Ovarian Cancer. Must wait though. One thing at a time.

Why can't they just find out everything, and zap the lot all at the same time?

My phone buzzes.

'We're poorly here.'

Libby's away. That leaves Mum & Alfie.

What's wrong Mum? Have you passed out? Do you need the hospital?

Whats wrong with Alfie? He was fine this morning. Fine all night.

'We need to go home Sean.'

'Now.'

Tears in the car. Quiet tears. Stress.

Don't tell me to stop crying.

I know they're bloody tears.

Arrive home, locked back door, no key.

Knock on door, no answer, knock again, no answer. Panic.

Door Opens. She looks so ill.

Dark circles. Off balance. Ill.

Blood.

Blood on the floor.

Droplets.

Puddles.

Sick.

Alfie.

His ears are down. His eyes sad.

My baby. My healer. Panic.

What's he eaten? Is it blood? Is it ketchuppy sick?

Libby really must stop leaving her plate down for him.

Not blaming. Observing.

Put Mum to bed.

Coat on. Lead out.

Where's the blood coming from?

So we walk.

Me & Sean. and Pup.

He perks up, walking around the park. Calm. Calm Stress.

No blood.

Home.

Clean.

Tidy.

Libby's bed. I'll be closer to Mum. Alfie prefers it in here.

Blankets. Quilts. Water.

Sick.

No Blood.

He's sucking his mouth, drinking lots and sick. Wandering around. He's not comfortable.

Breathing heavily now. Slowly. Normal pace.

Howl. Cry, More sick.

Panic

We're going to the #MMWellyWalk... Are you?

On 2^nd November 2013 we are going to the #MMWellyWalk at Beale Park in Reading. It is going to be a fab family fun day in aid of a great cause – The Lullaby Trust. The event is in memory of a beautiful angel baby, Matilda Mae, who died on 2^nd February 2013 at 9 months of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. You can read more about her legacy at www.edspire.co.uk.

We are going to be wanging our wellies, singing songs with Gymboree, painting, cutting and sticking with the Rainy Day Box Company, naming a giant teddy bear, frolicking in fair ground fun with Beebies Baby Store, bubble blowing, capturing magical moments with Scryver photography & Virtual  Booth, taking a trip on the Beale Park Miniature Railway, eating cakes courtesy of Charlotte’s Kitchen Diary, reading stories, playing games and so much more! 

There will also be lots of chances to win some fantastic prizes, meet some amazing people & bid for Wellies signed by the stars!

We look forward to seeing you there too! Tickets are available at www.beebiesbabystore.com and are £9.99 each. Under 11s go free!

 

My Gym Induction

I've joined the gym. It's been something I've wanted to do for a while, but one thing or another has conveniently come up.But now I've bitten that bullet and am going to try and commit to 2 sessions at the gym per week.

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy with my weight or size, 2 weeks of the month I'm a size 8-10, the other 2 weeks I'm a size 10-12, but there is always that little bit of pressure from peers or media to be the 'perfect size'. The talk of diets and work outs often fills my work days, each week a different goal or regime.

So I start today at a weight of 9st 2lb. My goal is 8st 6lb.


We arrived at the gym (Mum & I) at 2pm, ready for my induction. Me, feeling quite confident that this would be absolutely fine. A walk in the park.

For anyone of you who have seen The Backup Plan, I was going to be Zoe (played by J-LO), cool, calm, not even the hint of sweat.

First came the Bike. Steady pace (85). Effort grade 7. 'Yes! This is great!'.

Then the treadmill. Mum was allowed to walk briskly up hill at speed 5, I began at speed 7, a brisk jog.
Gym Instructor: 'You're looking very comfortable there.'
Me: 'Yes, this is good.'
Gym Instructor: 'In that case, lets put you up to speed 12 and see how you get on.'
Rising to the challenge, still feeling confident I smiled and upped the speed. Not comfortably, no, but that was the point right? 'Push yourself Ami'.
Gym Instructor: 'Do you run a lot? You are looking quite at home there.'
Me: 'No, I walk though.'

This was going well, I was obviously keeping up my 'Gym Goddess' appearance, even if I did feel like my legs were about to drop off.

Thirdly, the cross trainer. I quite like this. I've got the 'right rythm' apparently. Mum on the other hand does not.
Gym Instructor: 'We'll try 10 minutes at effort grade 7 for you Ami.'
Me: 'Brilliant.' With a smile, and a tiny hint of Oh My God 10 minutes!? How about we try 8 in voice.
So there I was 4 minutes in, my legs feeling a little jelly like, and a slight icky feeling in my tummy.
I stopped.

We moved on to the stepper, I did two steps, then that awful feeling of 'Oh My God, I am going to be Sick!' came over me. Dizzyness, the works... Then you'll never guess what.

I fainted.

Inspired.

For a few years now I have worked closely with the Blogging community. I have laughed at funny tales, cried at heart breaking stories and admired the courage and honesty of bloggers who openly share their thoughts and feelings with the rest of the world.

Outside of the blogging world, we live in a place where sharing your innermost thoughts is often branded airing our laundry, we live life thinking that nobody else would be interested in what we are thinking, that people have their own lives and thoughts to be dealing with.

Since starting my business I have come across many blogs which have inspired me to share. Share my thoughts and experiences in the hope that one day they may inspire or help someone the way that these have me.

So, now I'm about to find out what it's like to be a blogger and not just a bloggee.

I hope you enjoy.

A x